You are not alone
by BMShipper
Summary: After everything that happened to Laura, Spoilers episode 8x09, Jackson is in a VERY bad place and needs help, even though he wouldn't admit that... and he does get help, even though he doesn't ask for it...


**A/N:** So… another Mark/Jackson One-Shot by me and it definitely won't be the last one – that's for sure. I'm pretty happy, people like what I'm doing, even though I'm not a native English speaker and my English isn't perfect, but thanks to my beta-reader (*winks*) I think, the story is now "post-able" ;-) I hope, you like it… Reviews make me happy… ;-)

**You are not alone**

‚_Where is my momma?'_

As soon as the surgery he had taken over for Doctor Sheppard was over, Jackson got rid of his scrub cap and gloves and stormed out of the OR without even washing his hands.

The voice of the five-year old boy was still present in his head and he couldn't stop thinking about him. During the surgery he was able to block out everything else and concentrate on his work, but now that everything was over the thoughts kept coming back, driving Jackson crazy.

When he ran into Doctor Torres on the way to the recreation room he stopped in front of her, looking into her eyes.

"Any news on Laura?" he asked nervously, kneading his hands.

"Not yet," Doctor Torres answered, giving him a very concerned look. "When I last checked, Doctor Altman was still operating on her and it didn't look good." She bit her lower lip. "We screwed up."

Jackson couldn't bear to look at her any longer. "You mean _I_ screwed up," he said out loud, passing her by and not even giving her the chance to answer. He could read her thoughts pretty well: it was written all over her face that she thought he did something wrong, that it was his fault that this little boy might have to grow up without his mum. She didn't even have to say it.

From a distance he could hear Mark Sloan's voice calling his name but he didn't even turn around. Instead, he entered one of the on-call rooms and slammed the door shut. He paced up and down the small room for a few moments before leaning against the wall opposite the door and sliding to the floor against it. He tucked up his legs and slung his arms around them, before pillowing his head on his knees.

When he closed his eyes, he instantly saw the little boy's eyes again, saw how they had looked up at him hopefully. He felt tears burning hot against his eyelids and tried to hold them back but failed miserably. What if it was really his fault? What if he had caused the complications? How could he live with himself if he was responsible for destroying a family? He became a doctor to help people, not to kill them.

He tried to wipe away the tears but there were new ones coming over and over again and he was unable to stop them. He remembered the case with the woman who died after a fire and it had come out that it had been April's fault that she had died. April had even lost her job because of it, but luckily for her she had gotten another chance to redeem herself.

Still, Jackson didn't know how she could live with herself, knowing that it was her fault, that she had made a mistake that killed a woman. He didn't know if he could look at himself in the mirror ever again if Doctor Altman wasn't able to save Laura's life.

His whole body shook underneath his heavy sobs and as much as he tried, he couldn't calm down. It was all too much for him. Way too much. First the fight with his mother who still wanted him to become a neurosurgeon and wouldn't stop pressuring him, then his break-up with Lexie, and now this. He normally wasn't all too sensitive: he could deal with a lot but even he had his limits and he seemed to have reached them now.

All of sudden the door swung open which caused Jackson to look up, directly into the eyes of Mark Sloan. Immediately, he turned away again, wiping at his face. He didn't want Mark to see him like this. He didn't want _anyone_ to see him like this.

"Back off! I need to be alone!" he blurted out, taking a few deep breaths. He was still on edge and he felt as if he was about to start crying again any second.

"Yeah, I can see that," Mark answered and only a few seconds later Jackson could hear the door lock clicking.

Almost shocked he looked up at Mark. "What are you doing? I said you should go."

"Yes, I heard what you said, and that's the reason I won't do it," Mark countered and then sat down next to the younger surgeon, and Jackson could do nothing to prevent him from doing so. All of a sudden Mark was so close to him and Jackson could barely bear to have him there.

"Please… can't you just go?" His voice was brash and he felt so vulnerable and broken.

"No," Mark simply replied, then paused. He placed a hand on Jackson's forearm, making Jackson look back at him. "I thought we were friends, and friends don't abandon each other in a situation like this."

"How did you find me?" Jackson asked, biting his lower lip.

"I saw you talking to Callie and then running away. I followed you and watched you coming in here," Mark said softly. "And then I talked to Callie. I know what happened."

"Shouldn't you be with your best friend then instead of being with me? She might need you," Jackson answered quietly.

"You need me, too," Mark replied matter-of-factly, placing an arm around Jackson's shoulder.

Once more the tears started welling up in Jackson's eyes and he was unable to hold them back. "I killed that woman," he sobbed, pressing his hands against his eyes.

"She's not dead yet. Doctor Altman is a great surgeon and I'm sure she's gonna save her," Mark tried to comfort him, but even though Jackson knew he meant what he said, it didn't change the fact that Laura was in a life-threatening situation because of his mistakes.

"What if she's not? What if… what if…" He didn't even want to finish his thought, but he knew he had to face the truth. "What if Laura dies because of me?" Jackson finally asked quietly.

"You don't know if you did something wrong. Maybe there will be some medical explanation for what happened," Mark speculated, gently stroking Jackson's back.

"What if it _is_ my fault? I don't know how I can live with myself, if I…" he cut himself off, because another sob escaped his throat. He felt Mark taking him completely into his arms and even though he didn't want to appear so weak, he wasn't strong enough to resist him. Also, he derived comfort in Mark's embrace and weakly leaned against Mark's chest.

"I've got you," he heard Mark say and his tender voice alongside his reassuring strokes really calmed Jackson down. Not immediately, but after a while he was in fact able to stop crying. He closed his eyes and listened to Mark's heartbeat, feeling Mark gently rocking him in his arms just like his mother used to do when he was a little kid and woke up from nightmares.

He heard Mark mumble something, but he didn't get any word of it and somehow his voice became more and more distant with every second that passed until he drifted off to an uneasy sleep.

It wasn't until he heard a loud knock that he woke up again. He felt very confused and needed a few seconds to orientate himself when he felt strong arms around his waist.

When he looked up he saw Mark staring back down at him with concern.

"How are you?" Mark asked quietly, rubbing his arm.

Slowly, Jackson got up, feeling himself blush when he realized that he fell asleep in Mark's arms and that Mark was still holding him. "I'm… I'm okay, I think," he replied, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

There was another, louder knock at the door, and then there was Doctor Torres' voice.

"Mark? Jackson? Are you in there? Open up, I need to talk to you."

"Maybe we should…" Jackson started and Mark cut him off mid-sentence.

"Yeah, I guess we should," he said, letting go of Jackson and standing up. When he reached for his hand, Jackson grabbed it and let Mark pull him up, too.

"I'm coming," Mark said loudly before turning to Jackson again and all of sudden Jackson could feel his hands on his cheeks, softly touching his face underneath his eyes. His heart beat faster and he just stared at Mark in confusion.

"There were tracks of your tears," he explained, giving Jackson a reassuring smile. "But you're okay now."

Jackson nodded, before Mark let go and finally unlocked the door to let Callie in. She almost immediately burst inside the room.

"Laura is alive. The surgery is over and she survived. Her condition is still critical, but she's gonna make it," she blurted out within a second.

Jackson felt relief wash over him and again tears welled up in his eyes, but this time, because he felt like a weight was lifted off of his shoulders.

"Oh my god, are you sure?" he asked with a croaky voice.

Callie nodded. "Of course I'm sure. She will be fine, Avery." She looked at him seriously. "But that doesn't mean you're off the hook. You know that, right?"

Jackson swallowed hard. "Yes, I know."

"Good. I'll see you later," Callie said, and then she was out of the room again and the door closed shut after her.

Jackson needed a moment to process what had just happened, but then he turned to Mark, still feeling the tears in his eyes.

"She'll live," he repeated, looking up at his boss.

"I told you so," Mark countered before reaching out and grabbing Jackson. "Come here, you silly boy."

"I'm not a boy," Jackson protested, but let Mark hold him tight anyways and embraced him back. He closed his eyes and leaned against Mark, just inhaling his scent. Mark's presence had made him feel so much better and if he hadn't been sure they were friends yet, he definitely was now. He knew he could make it through this with Mark by his side, no matter what was going to happen.


End file.
